My plan was to retire and start a second career – but I was discarded instead.
Then my plan was to find a new career – but I found a job and was eventually discarded again.
Eighteen years of service – worthless. Couldn’t keep up doing something that literally did not need doing so I was dumped. Wasn’t even given unemployment – evidently completing notes in an online system where they are NEVER reviewed is critically important.
No, I’m not being fair – but I’m not embellishing, either. I saw in the news recently that the infection rate went up again – that translates to inadequate contact management (this is what you’re actually supposed to be doing), but at least the notes on the MS DOS (not kidding) system that no one reviews are all up-to-date. Your tax dollars at work Alabama – you don’t want to know what they spend on having a manager play human bridge between three computer systems that cannot talk to each other for four to eight hours a day (still not kidding).
But at least they got rid of the useless people like me who thought stupid things like actually managing the case mattered.
Yeah, I’m working on the bitterness – most of the time it’s not this bad.
And yes, I’m meandering again.
I’ve got a head full of ideas I’ve either not had time or money to work on. And I’ve had some pretty spectacular failures on the ones I did – although I had a great time teaching water aerobics and I still knit those silly scarves for fun.
But dreams – I can’t seem to stop dreaming. I am not stupid – disability appears to be the best possible outcome of a bad situation. But it also means I won’t get to try the things I want to – I’ll never own my own home or buy land. None of the ideas I have will come to fruition. Like me, practicality says my dreams must be discarded.
Hope – it’s not wishful thinking or wanting. Hope is knowing there is better and that you can get there. True hope is knowing that God will do what He says He will do – there is a better life both now and later.
That’s not the same thing as ‘things will get better’ – God doesn’t promise no hardship and unless Christ returns beforehand, this journey on this side ends in death.
But death lost the fight two thousand years ago – better now is about life abundant – life full and rich even when circumstances are anything but.
Lately, I’ve lost sight of that. I’m still scared about the eviction – time is running out and so is my bank account. I’m scared of not having any place to go – and what will happen to my pets if that happens.
BUT He has saved them and me multiple times in the last two, nearly three now, years. And if he doesn’t save them again – He is still God, still loves me and is STILL my Redeemer. The loss and sadness will pass – and He will be with me all the way through.
Job said “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” – tough guy, that Job. After losing his wealth, his kids, and his health, he still trusts God. Job gets it in a way few of us ever do – and thanks to him, don’t have to figure out that hard way. It’s not just that this life is temporary and not the ‘real deal’ to come. It’s not just that God is God and you’re not. Both of those are true – but it’s more than that.
The tapestry of life – we see it from only one view, and dimly lit. It’s been likened to looking at the needlework from the knotty back instead of the beautiful front – but it’s more like looking in the weaver’s door – you see loom, the backside of what’s on it taking shape, a lot of different spools of thread everywhere and all the paraphernalia laying about – and trying to guess what the finished product will look like.
One tiny thread here, another there, more, less – thread on thread on thread, each a piece of a life, each a part that is forming a whole of this world. Threads get tucked, pulled, beaten like heck into place, cut, yanked, more beating, brushed, pulled out, put back – the poor thread thinks it must be the worst thing in the world, the way the Weaver treats it. It doesn’t know all that abuse is really making it into something beautiful – and that it will in turn help make more beauty for other threads.
My thread is looking rough – pretty sure it’s got a knot or two in it – but He can handle that. I may not understand – but I know He is making something beautiful out of the thread others discarded.
I think that’s what Job understood – that it’s not okay just because God is God and has the right to do as He pleases. It’s okay because God uses that right to make us something more – something like Him, beautiful. He uses His rights, His glory, His greatness to make us more like Him – because He loves us.
Someday, looking at Him with new eyes, I won’t remember how much it hurt. The cool part is that someday can begin today. That’s life abundant. Life loving Him and becoming like Him.
So, yeah, working on the bitterness – it needs to go. Bitterness isn’t like Him – and I wanna be like Him. Someday, minus the tangles.
That dream doesn’t need to die – impractical and foolish in the eyes of the world, it’s the one dream I know will come true, because it depends on Him, not me.
I know My Redeemer Lives.